A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm.
"Do you serve ManU fan in here?" he asks.
"Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator.
"Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and an ManU fan for the alligator."
There is a old Liverpool fan who is dying so he calls his Liverpool friends and asks them to do one last thing for him. They say 'yes of course' so he asks for a man u shirt. His friends thinks that that's a little bit weird because he has been the biggest LFC fan his whole life.
But because he is dying they accept and get him a shirt. After the old man put on the man u shirt, one of his friends asks him why he changes team right before he dies, he says 'better one of them dying then one of us'.
A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Liverpool fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Manchester United fan to my back!
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan
The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.
"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"
He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."
One afternoon an elderly man turned up at the offices of a large Manchester company.
"Good afternoon;" he said, "I'm Tony Collier's uncle. I've come to ask if he can have the afternoon off so I can take him to the match."
"I'm afraid he's not here," came the reply, "We already gave him the afternoon off so he could attend your funeral."
Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto.
They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavement, high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....
" You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move away from it......"
Four surgeons are having a coffee break.
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're gutless, spineless, heartless and their heads are interchangeable."
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Man United fan all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the United fan were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the United fan and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because
I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The United fan grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.
A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester united fan escape from prison. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks."
The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it. He went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it. He went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the scum fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the scum fan said, "Potatoes".
Alex Ferguson is getting worried about his team's recent poor form against Arsenal.
He just can't understand it, Man U are the biggest club in Europe, have all the best players etc, but every time they play the Gunners, they get beaten. So Alex gives Arsene Wenger a call and explains his problem. Arsene is very understanding and invites Alex down to watch his team training. So Alex turns up in London and spends a day watching the Arsenal players. At the end of the training session he says to Arsene "I still don't understand, we seem to do all the same things in training that you do, but you still beat us all the time". "Ah" says Mr Wenger, "I don't think its anything to do with the training. I think its because my players are more intelligent than yours". Alex looks a bit peeved and asks Arsene "What the hell do you mean by that?".
"Well" says Arsene, "We also train our boys in lateral thinking". To demonstrate his point he calls over Dennis Bergkamp. "Dennis, here's a problem for you. He's you father's son, but he's not your brother; who is he?". "That's easy" says Bergkamp, Its me." "Correct" says Arsene.
Alex is very impressed. He goes back to Manchester and next day in training he calls over David Beckham. "David, I've been talking to Arsene Wenger and he reckons his players are more intelligent than ours".
"That's bollocks, Boss", is Beckham's considered reply."OK", says Alex, "I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?" Beckham looks blank and replies "Need some time to think about this one boss, can I tell you tomorrow?"
Alex agrees and Beckham goes home thinking about the problem. He asks Posh Spice, but she hasn't a clue what he's talking about. He eventually decides to give Jaap Stam a call, thinking that as Arsenal have a lot of foreign players, maybe he will understand.
"Hello Jaap, its David. I've got a question for you. He's your father's son, but he's not your brother. Who is he?". "That's easy", says Jaap, "Its me".So Beckham calls over Alex Fergurson the next day in training and says "Morning Boss, I've got the answer to that question"
"OK. What is it?" asks Alex.
"Its Jaap Stam" replies the confident Beckham.
"You stupid bastard" shouts Alex, "Its NOT Jaap Stam.............Its Dennis Bergkamp!"