Provincial coach runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. As you would expect, coach   thinks that he is smarter than the cop because of his education and training. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense...
Cop says, "Licence, please."
Coach says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
Coach says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence, please."
Coach says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"
Coach says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the fine, if not you let me go and no fine."
Cop says, "Okay, get out of your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of Provincial Coach and says:
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

'So you want to join us here at Spirit Soccer Club as a rep coach, do  you? What sort of salary were you expecting?'
'$1000 a week.'
'And what experience have you-had?'
'I've never coached before.'
'You've no coaching experience and you want $1000 a week!'
'Well, it's much harder when you don't know anything about it.'

Our team manager won't stand for any nonsense. Last game he caught a couple of fans climbing over the soccer field fence.
He was furious. He grabbed them by the collars and said,
"Now you just get back in there and watch the game till it finishes."

The rep coach of a soccer  club was talking to a young player who had applied for a tryout with the club. 'Do you kick with both feet?' asked the coach.
'Don't be silly!' said the player. 'If I did that, I wouldn't be able to stand up, would I !'

A Provincial coach and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The coach says to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go scout the youngsters' soccer. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave
man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The coach turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

Q: What do you call an club soccer  coach on the moon?
A: A Problem.

Q: What do you call a Provincial coach on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.

Q: What do you call all the Provincial coaching staff on the moon?
A: Problem solved

The kids’ soccer game is very close, and the coach says to one of his young players,
“Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nods in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”
The little boy nods yes.
“So,” says the coach, “when somebody trips you or kicks the ball away from you in front of the net, you don’t argue, or curse, or attack the referee?
Do you understand that?”
Again the little boy nods his head.
“Good,” says the coach.
“Now go over there and explain that to your parents.”

A mother was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her teenage son. Suddenly the boy bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful! Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful!... CAREFUL! I said CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
The mother stared at him.
"What's wrong with you? You think I don't now how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The son calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm trying to play soccer."

The OSA coach goes to his doctor to find out what's wrong with him.
"Your problem is you're fat, "says the doctor.
"I'd like a second opinion" responds the coach.
"OK, you're useless too" replies the doctor.

An Ontario based soccer club rep coach was walking along the beach in San Diego, deep in prayer.
Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The club coach said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The club coach thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand the CSA/OSA hierarchy. I want to know why they do what they do."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

One of the OSA’s regional coaches had just finished reading the book, ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I‘m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I‘m finished with my bath, guess who‘s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His wife replied, “The funeral director would be my guess.”

Two CSA coaches were filling up at a gas station when the first one said to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going even higher."
The second Coach replies, "Wont affect me. I always buy exactly $10 worth."

During her trip to Brazil, the young Canadian player was walking back to the hotel from one of her trips to the local flea market.
She was seen and recognized by the hotel's shuttle bus driver, who stopped the bus and asked the young player if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the young player got into the bus.
The shuttle bus driver noticed that the youngster had a brown bag firmly in her grasp.
"What's in the bag?" asked the driver.
The young Canadian player looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a pair of antiques boots. I got them for my coach."
The shuttle bus driver was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the wisdom of a seasoned footballer, he said, "Good trade."

The manager and  coach of an CGSL  team were discussing the layers they had on their books and the coach  asked, 'How many goals has O'Halloran scored this season?'
'Exactly double what he scored last season,' replied the manager. `Eleven.'

The OYSL soccer  team were having a dreadful season. They hadn't won a game for 12 weeks and the coach was at the end of his tether. "Look," suggested a friend one evening, "why don't you take the whole squad out for a ten mile run every day?"
"What good will that do?" moaned the coach.
"Well," replied his friend, "today's Sunday. By next Saturday they'll be 60 miles away and you won't have to worry about them.

'You're all feet!' yelled the coach at the “Provincial” practice session.
'All bloody feet! How many times have I told you - use your brains, use your feet, but let the ball do the work!' ,
'Well, don't tell me,' shouted the unfortunate player. 'Tell the bloody ball!

After a visit to the doctor, Provincial team centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."
"Yes, I am," He replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."
"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"

`I just don't understand it,' an OYSL soccer player complained.
`One match I play very well, then the next match I'm terrible.'
'Well,' said his friend, `why don't you just play every other match?'

Striker with OYSL team : "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Coach : "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."

A scientist is researching the effects of the loss of brain power on people's speech.
So he brings in a guy off the street to participate in the experiments.
As they attach the electrodes to his head, the guy says
"May I please have a drink of water?"
But the scientist ignores him and says to his assistant
"Remove 25 per cent of his brain power now."
The assistant does this and the guy then says
"Give me water."
Again the scientist ignores him and says:
Remove another 25 per cent.
Guy: Give drink water.
Scientist: Now another 25 per cent.
Guy: Wawa, wawa.
Scientist: And now, the final 25 per cent.
Guy  "Keep Juggling,Keep shooting....

Thieves broke into the home of  Club Head Coach and stole two prized books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

Mo Johnson ( Toronto FC ) was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits.
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run.
The ones that run round the trees, I make into midfielders.
The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into fullbacks."
The ones that don't run, I turn into strikers."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St Peter greets him and says, "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."
The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.
"Well," says St Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"
"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Toronto Croatia and Italia Shooters at Centennial Stadium. The score was nil-nil and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Italia Shooters at the Cop end."
"Yes," responded St Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"
"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago.

Four fathers attending the Summer Games in Regina this summer are taking a stroll on Albert Street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says"Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"
They look at each other, and then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says,"That'll be 10 cents each, please."
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender,"How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired trucker from Vancouver, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
"What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're soccer coaches from Ontario. They're waiting for happy hour."

© 2005-2009. Barrie Spirit Soccer
Soccer  Jokes  -  Canadian  Soccer
It was only the fourth week of the season and OYSL team goalkeeper had already let in seventeen goals. She was having a caffe at Tim Hortons one day when a man approached her and said,
'I've been watching you play, lady, and I think I might be able to help you.'
'Are you a trainer?' said the young goalkeeper hopefully.
'No,' said the stranger, 'I'm an optician.